And I’m so sorry that my actions made you feel that way. ( Log Out /  It’s not me. Just because we think … I know I’m healing when I’m willing to trade that proof of how wronged I was for perspectives of experiential learning. I sat down across from my counselor and he said, “Lysa, do you want to heal?” And I said, “Yes, I do want to heal.” And he said, “Well, then today’s a great day to work on forgiveness.” And I thought back to myself, “Are you high? So, 2020 has been a tough year for everyone across the board. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. 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In this six-session Bible study (study guide sold separately), Lysa TerKeurst has … I know I have held on to some hurt for way too long. I showed up at my counselor’s office and my marriage had been blown up because of some decisions my husband made to be unfaithful in our marriage. Is that feeling waiting for me at the end of a process? If both people aren’t willing to do that hard, humble, holy work then forgiveness is possible, but reconciliation may not be possible. I don’t want the feeling to say, “Oh, because you don’t feel joyful, then your forgiveness didn’t work.” That’s not true. Here’s the thing that makes forgiveness so complicated: The minute we say the word forgiveness is the minute that we start thinking of all of the places in our heart where we’ve been deeply wounded and the people that have hurt us. You hear a lot about how good forgiveness feels but instant relief has not been my experience with forgiveness. October 22, 2020 . It hasn’t been my experience that it immediately feels good, no. God tells us, “Vengeance is mine, declares the Lord.” In other words, mentally place that person in God’s hands and give God that assignment. Post was not sent - check your email addresses! It’s just recognizing who needs to teach those lessons and who can teach those lessons effectively. It does not tell us that we will be able to forget or that we will always be able to reconcile with the person who has hurt us. Old traumas were given new life. “This is for those who are struggling with unresolved pain and can’t see a way forward,” she said. Change ), You are commenting using your Google account. 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When you make the decision to forgive, you are being obedient to God. Then I started to see that the only way for me to fully acknowledge this pain, to really sweep my heart clean of all of this chaos, was to start this journey with the step of forgiveness. God’s the only one who can exercise justice with an equal measure of mercy. I can’t forgive. “The best time to forgive is before we are ever offended. I think this message found me because I needed to work on forgiveness. The reason I add that last part in is because oftentimes my feelings don’t want to cooperate. Sometimes, the break was much deeper and more painful. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. You feel like it’s a protective barrier against someone that’s hurt you. Forgiveness is both a decision and it’s a process. What I’m learning is, it’s not so much that we have to release our need for the other person to be taught the lessons they should learn so they don’t keep hurting other people. It does not tell us that we will be able to forget or that we will always be able to reconcile with the … Painful events from long ago, can continue to fuel anger that makes us easily offendable. Lysa TerKeurst: Forgiving What You Can’t Forget . At that point, he wasn’t wanting to stay together. Instantly, the very idea of forgiveness can make people back up, cross their arms and like, “Uh-uh.” I think a lot of us say, “It’s too soon to forgive,” until we say, “It’s too late to forgive.” But it always seems like we can’t quite find that perfect place in the middle to forgive. Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com. Life doesn’t work out that way. Sometimes the breaks were small, like exploding at a roommate you’ve been quarantined with for eight months. And with those breaks comes the need to re-learn what it means to forgive. Lysa Terkeurst is no stranger to pain. Often a lack of forgiveness leads to bitterness and the desire for revenge that only hurts us. Just because we forgive, that does not mean that that relationship is automatically repaired, nor does it mean that the trust is automatically reestablished. Sometimes we must establish boundaries for our own peace of mind and to avoid enabling the other person to avoid the consequences of their actions. As I was making my way through this journey, I thought, “I don’t think I’m the only person that when they hear the word forgiveness the first thing they feel is resistance.” I wanted to write a really honest book starting at that place. Reconciliation is deciding to reattach, in some capacity, where we are allowing that other person’s choices to affect us. For more on the topic of forgiveness, see these posts: Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. But it's even harder to forgive someone who has hurt you deeply. And as God’s forgiveness flows to us, we have to let it then flow through us. The Prosecutor Who Put Brandon Bernard on Death Row Her Changed His Mind. That’s us being obedient to God. Certainly we can draw boundaries in that relationship. This review was written for Forgiving What You Can't Forget Study Guide: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That's Beautiful Again - eBook. My goal is to help people see beautiful again, because bitterness, anger, resentment, grudges, frustrations and unforgiveness darkens our outlook on life. But feelings are indicators, they’re not dictators. Very rarely do we have that epic moment where we get to present all the proof, then the other person falls down in a heap of repentance and sorrow. Because it wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” I think that’s where a real conversation can happen. For many of us, fractured relationships have been a huge part of 2020. I don’t know how this story is going to turn out. She uses her own life story to illustrate both the need to forgive and the difficulty in forgiving those who have wronged us.